In the hospital I was warned that about 80% of women experience some form of "baby blues" after the birth of a child. I laughed and "yeah right! not me". I was so in love with our little girl that I couldn't see how I would ever feel down.
Coming home was an exciting time and my mom was staying with us to help out with the transition for the first week. I thought it would be easy and I wouldn't feel lonely like so many moms warned me I would feel.
Right as rain, about 2 days after our return home, I sank into a dark place. I felt like I was alone even though I was surrounded by friends and family. I just couldn't get out of my head. Even though I knew I was ready to be a momma I just couldn't shake the feelings of:
- Am I really ready for this?
- Did I do the right thing?
- When will I ever get a good nights sleep again?
- Can I really do this?
- Our life will never be the same
- We won't ever be able to go out to dinner, to the movies, ....anywhere!
- Am I going to be a good mom?
- Oh the list goes on and on of the thoughts that went through my head.
The good news....It goes away! Those feelings only lasted for about an hour and then I was back to my old self.
I started to look for answers as to why I felt the way I did. I discovered that it is simply hormonal and that there are tons of moms that had the same feelings as I did.
Over the next week I noticed that I experienced these feelings between 4pm and 6pm (when the sun went down). I was able to predict but not prevent these feelings. As per the advice of my knowledgeable Momma I started to plan on doing something for myself, by myself at those times. This REALLY seemed to help A LOT! Here are some things that worked for me:
- Reading a book (baby related)
- Taking a shower
- Going to visit my horse
- Talking about my feelings to my husband or my mom
- Writing in my blog (thanks guys!)
Writing my feelings down was the best solution for me. It is very cathartic in that I am able to get it out and put words to my low points.
In total, the blues only lasted about 2 weeks. The worst was when my mom left. I didn't have anyone to bounce my feeling off of. Fortunately, I started feeling better in just a few days.
So for all of you mommas-to-be, don't be surprised to experience these so-called "baby blues". They are totally normal and you should NOT feel guilty for feeling any regret. You will feel better in no time at all :)
Everyone I have ever talked to that has breastfed their baby has claimed that it is their FAVORITE thing in the entire world. They get such a great feeling of joy from using their body as their baby's personal refrigerator.
I am indifferent to the topic. I do it currently for several reasons:
- Bryn is getting exactly the amount of food she needs to grow healthy and strong
- She is getting all of my immunities
- TO SAVE MONEY. Lets face it, formula is expensive.
Our first feeding experience was great. She had no problem latching on right away and nursed successfully for 10 minutes at each breast.
During our hospital stay, however, Bryn continued to nurse well but she was ravenous (ouch!) Colostrum, first milk, is really thick and yellow in color. It also is not in huge supply. We were instructed to nurse for 10 minutes on each side and I really watched the clock and prayed for time to pass more quickly because it felt as though my nipples would fall off. Palmer's Nipple Butter really saved my butt (or should I say my breasts) for the first few days. I actually developed blood blisters that eventually popped at about 1 week. Don't worry! It wasn't a ton of blood and it was not harmful to Bryn.
It took about a week for my milk to come in and when it did it was like Niagara Falls! I had to pump because I was so engorged. It was great to get a supply going though. Bryn wasn't drinking all I was producing and breast pads became my new best friend. Whenever I would shower, the warm water would stimulate "let down" (feels like pins a needles) and by the time I would get out of the shower I would be literally squirting everywhere. Keeping my back to the water was helpful.
I made the mistake of putting lotion on sore breasts one morning and lets just say Bryn did not like to taste of Bath and Body's Sweet Pea. She refused to eat until I washed it off. Palmer's Coco Butter Lotion did not disagree with her.
When my milk came in I started to notice our next challenge. GAS! My little peanut eats like she is never going to eat again. Gulp gulp gulping it right down. What took us 20 minutes to eat before now only took us about 10 minutes. Night time feedings were even more challenging. She would eat for about 5 minutes and fall dead asleep. No amount of tickling would keep her awake. Thinking she was done I put her down to sleep only to have her wake up screaming bloody murder. She gulped so much air she thought she was full and when the gas bubbles started to surface (either one end or the other) she started to get really bad gas pains. I burped her and she ate again the same way. It would take about an hour to feed her. Then another hour for her to fall back asleep because she was so worked up because of the gas pains. Leaving me only about 30 minutes to an hour nap between nighttime feedings. I was EXHAUSTED! Finally I found a great piece of advice about her "feeding personality". Feed her for 2-3 minutes on one breast and burp her and then switch breasts repeating about 4 times. It took half as long and we finally got the gas under control. The only thing this did not help was the gulping.
The only thing that people keep telling me is that once I figure out Bryn that she will change. Well that is certainly the case. She still gets gassy from time to time but not nearly as bad a she did before. She is learning to not gulp and that is helping.
We are now battling breast preference. She favors the left over the right because the pressure is not as high. I noticed when I pump that I fill up the right bottle twice as fast as the left and that explains why she likes the left. She can still gulp. Now she eats for 10 minutes straight without burping on one side at each feeding. I walk around lop-sided all day but it is worth it because eating on one side keeps her focused for the full feeding.
I don't dread feedings anymore. :) I actually cannot believe I am saying this looking back at how we were in the beginning with bloody nipples and a gassy baby but I actually LIKE breastfeeding Bryn. I feel a huge sense of pride that I am able to provide the nutrition she needs to grow strong and healthy.
A great book for any mothers or expecting mothers is So That's What They're For! by Janet Tamaro. She has so great advice for breastfeeding obstacles that are both modern and humorous.
Since becoming a new Momma I have learned to totally re-evaluate how I look at each day. I have been very fortunate to have my Mom and Brandt there for the first week of Bryn's homecoming. Even with their help I felt very guilty doing anything for myself. I felt very attached to Bryn. However, I needed to take some time for myself.
- Showering: sounds silly for you non-Mommas but I am sure that all new Mommys can agree that this was a challenge (more so when help is not on hand). I felt very guilty putting her down to do anything and unfortnately I cannot bring her in with me.
- Making dinner: I love cooking. Brandt and I both love cooking actually. When he gets home from work he takes Bryn and plays with her and gets his "baby fix" and I get to prepare a meal. Even the half hour that it takes to make a simple meal is a great time for me to recharge my batteries.
- Reading a book: I have lots of baby books that I go to for questions. Reading one while Bryn naps or plays on her play yard is a great escape for me.
- Grooming my horse: This was the hardest for me to do because I had to leave the house. This was also the most satifying guilty pleasure because Hano was my first baby and taking care of him always makes me feel better.
The biggest hurdle for me as a Momma to overcome was the need to plan my day and stick to the schedule. With a newborn all plans go out the window when she is hungry, has a wet or dirty diaper, has gas, or just plain needs to be held. These first few months are a time of snuggling and rocking and just eating up my new little bundle. The fact that she needs me is such a wonderful feeling but also having my time so that I can have a little break is a great too.
TIP: I am a list person. Now that Bryn is here and takes ALL of my attention I still make lists but I only aim to accomplish one thing on my list each day. Most of the time it is not all done in one sitting. Usually as soon as I start Bryn wakes up and I forget what I was doing. I have also gotten really good at doing things one handed: sweeping, laundry, vacuuming (she loves the vacuum), dishes, and the list goes on.
There are quite a few things that no one ever told me before I had Bryn. Here are just a few:
- When your water breaks it keeps breaking: Make sure you are wearing a super absorbent pad if your water breaks at home because your car may need a detail if you are not prepared for Niagra Falls.
- When you deliver there is A LOT of blood!: I am not a squeamish person but as soon as I saw how much blood is involved I quickly closed my eyes. After all was said and done and I was about to move to our postpartum room I looked back at the room and it looked like a scene from NCIS or CSI. BEWARE!
- You actually have to "deliver" the placenta: For some women this comes easy but many actually find that this is more painful than the birth of your child. Fortnately, I wasn't one of them. Once the placenta is out you would not believe the relief! Next to seeing my daughter for the first time this was the best part of my delivery experience.
- You may shake uncontrollably after delivery: I just felt like I was cold and couldn't warm up. Don't worry! It is just adrenaline :) It does go away.
- You WILL be unbelievably sore for a few days: Your body just went through battle. Listen to the nurses when they give you instructions and take care of yourself. Utilize the Sitz bath, peri bottle, witch hazel pads, hydrocortizone cream, and gloves filled with ice(my life saver).
- The baby blues are VERY normal: About 80% of new mommas experience this. They try to tell you about it in the hospital but you probably won't listen. I didn't feel them until about 4 days after. I am going to do another entry just for this topic because it effected me that much.
On a much happier note I am absolutely loving being a Momma. It wasn't at all what I expected but I would not trade it for the anything.
